Understanding and Uprooting Fear
It’s Time to Lean Into Your Passion
For as long as I can remember I’ve lived in a world of stories. As a child I’d talk as I drew, bringing pictures to life with my words. My mother recalls me “making soup cans talk” when she’d put me down on the floor of our kitchen and I’d grab the cans and bring them to life with my words. Telling stories, breathing new life into something with the movement and prose of words is pivotal to my identity, and my journey here on Earth, but somewhere along my journey I lost sight of that aspect of myself and in turn got off track from my purpose.
Being a writer seemed like such a far-fetched, lofty dream to someone who grew up in a small town in Nova Scotia, Canada. The “normal” path forward was to obtain an education and get a professional job, car, house, dog, partner, and two children. And so I buried my dreams of writing, but it never really left me; it simmered within.
My “normal” path consisted of working in research, nonprofits, and education. It was meaningful work but was not aligned with my passion, and this affected my balance. I’d go through bouts of giving it my all at work, and feeling great from positive feedback to dragging myself out of bed, going through the motions of work, and counting down the minutes until the workday was over. When I taught in Hong Kong, the negative top-down structure of my school affected me so much that I developed severe gastro problems. In one year, I had to miss five days of work due to intense vomiting that would last the entire day. I was tested for everything a person could be tested for in this situation, and all results indicated that I was fine. I knew that it had to be stress. With that in mind, I leaned more into yoga and meditation, and it certainly helped me deal with that negative environment, but it also brought something else into my life.
Lean Into Meditation
Leaning into yoga and meditation brought me introspection. It’s a funny thing to learn so much about yourself from being quiet. In our hustle driven societies, it’s easy to think that we grow from doing more: getting more work experience, consuming as much knowledge as possible, talking to those who are successful in our fields, etc, and while those are valuable tools in the right context, you can gain the most valuable knowledge: knowledge about yourself in stillness.
The insights I’ve had from meditation have always been something I’ve struggled to describe. When I’m focused on quieting my mind, how then do I become more in tune with myself without a steady stream of thoughts? What I’ve come to learn is that in these moments of meditation, I am able to block out the white noise of pressure. In blocking out these streams of pressure we all feel from society, family, and of course internally, I get closer to my true self, and it is later, post-meditation, that I find myself making realizations that are reflective of my true self.
There was a time, however, where I would have viewed this stillness as counterproductive. I was once a competitive runner in university, and if someone told me at that point of my life to sit with myself, I’d tell them they were crazy. I was driven to run faster, study harder, and perform. I was trying to fit into a model with set rules for the best (and also privileged) to succeed. The idea of fulfillment truly wasn’t even in my vocabulary. Being full was a feeling after dinner. This is the mindset and lack of self-reflection that pulled me away from writing. Closed off to me, and consumed by the competitive world, I didn’t consider writing because it wasn’t a practical way to make money, so I considered other options without really considering myself.
Redefine Success
While the concept of fulfillment may not have been a part of my vocabulary at that point in time, today people seem to be becoming increasingly cognizant of its importance. A life full of more than commutes, and stressful workdays is something people are beginning to long for and are questioning how to change their lives in order to rid themselves of extreme stress. A life where you have quality time with friends and family, time in nature, and are able to take care of your mind and body with meditation, exercise, and good nutrition is becoming a priority when the youth are considering career options, and the seasoned are looking for changes. People are starting to realize that finding this balance is more important than climbing the career ladder.
Whether these thoughts had surfaced or not prior to the pandemic, Covid-19 jolted the world with the halt needed for introspection. People are rearranging their lives, doing things they had always wanted to do like move out of cities and into the country, change jobs, or after being let go of their jobs, finally following their dreams. I too found myself longing for a shift after more introspection during periods of lockdown.
Making the shift to writing didn’t come to me immediately. I was still connected to that practical way of thinking. The kind where you lead from the ego, trying to impress, rather than the heart where you search for what is best aligned for you and can help others. Prior to the pandemic lockdown in Hong Kong where I lived from 2017–2020, we had already been experiencing lockdown life. For over a year, people took to the streets first in protest of a law that gave China greater power, and later in protest of police brutality. These protests shut down the city for days and caused us to stay indoors. This thus began my introspection as I questioned if I really wanted to stay in Hong Kong which led to further questioning of my desire to continue teaching.
I came close to my calling by being accepted into a journalism fellowship that was meant to bring me to Toronto, Canada. However, Covid changed that to online learning. While I was happy to have the opportunity to write, the style and the topics of writing about education weren’t the right fit. I was close, but it still wasn’t “it.” I left the fellowship and signed up for a yoga teacher training in Halifax, Nova Scotia. I felt confused and almost ashamed for leaving such a big opportunity. Again, I leaned into yoga and meditation for guidance. On our second weekend, we went on a meditation walk. Prior to our walk, our meditation guide had us do an activity where we wrote about a desire, and what’s holding us back. He told us when we did our meditation walk we might find ourselves asking a question, and we may even find the answer. When I was still, looking at a pond, I found myself wondering when I will truly be content, and my answer came to me when I write.
And so, I decided to honor that little girl who made soup cans talk, and begin writing. I began writing in my free time for fun, and also as a job. I found work aligned with my passion for yoga and meditation on freelance websites. I was still teaching in Halifax, but then juggling both careers became too difficult. I didn’t have the time to effectively do both, and that was when practicality came into play: I can’t possibly earn a living from writing, can I? This was a scarcity mindset.
Lean Into Abundance
The more successful I became, the more doubt and fear I started to feel. Things became especially more successful when I zoomed in with Ramsha and Basim. The more I learned about NutriRise, and their vision, the more I realized how perfectly aligned I was to work with them. Even though our screens, I could feel their positive energy, and open hearts. As I explored NutriRise’s website, I could see that it was run with the intention of betterment through ancient wisdom, nature, and a philosophy of acting from the heart. This is exactly the life I strive to lead, and so working with such an inspiring and spiritually aligned team should have only made me feel excited, right?
Well, it didn’t, and at first, it didn’t make sense. Here I am working hard and figuring out how to use my talent and passion to live a sustainable life, and instead of just being happy, I started to feel plagued by fear. It was like being at the free-throw line at a tied basketball game and choking. How did I go from such excitement to fear so quickly? I was perplexed, and yet again leaned into yoga and meditation. Luckily my yoga studio had just reopened post lockdown the very day I was experiencing this influx of anxiety (I took that as a sign). Upon reflection, I realized that I was still operating in a scarcity mindset.
Despite desperately wanting out of the typical 9–5 job model, longing to be creative and write every day, and finding employment that allows me to do just that, I still heard the echoes of criticism questioning the practicality of my new path. It seemed too good to be true. There couldn’t possibly be enough work. There couldn’t possibly be enough space for me to combine my passions of wellness and writing.
This is the scarcity mindset. This kind of mindset is the one that has caused (and still creeps in sometimes today) me to compare myself to others. This is the mindset that caused me to focus on getting the best marks in university, rather than focusing on the content I was learning. This is the mindset that caused me to focus on the results when exercising and playing sports which ultimately led to an eating disorder during my time running in university. Depleting myself in fear that I was not fast enough, good enough: does it get more scarce than that? Of course, I am not alone in this way of thinking. Our capitalist societies run on this mindset. From our schooling to the workplace, we are taught to compete with one another for a limited amount of coveted positions.
In contrast to the scarcity mindset, there’s the abundance mindset rooted in sharing the fullness of life. Instead of worrying about whether there were enough pieces of the pie for me, I decided to reimagine the pie. What if that metaphoric pie expanded beyond my scope? What if there’s plenty of space to share my writing? What if instead of worrying about competition and standing out, I leaned into collaboration? This abundant mindset is one that embraces your potential, rather than limits it by hard and fast rules and expectations.
Reminding myself of the power of mindset, and how integral inner work is to success when the scarcity mindset took over and I feared failure and worried what others would think as I embarked on this new path, I chose to allow myself to believe that the sky’s the limit. I saw that pie expanding beyond comprehension. In fact, when I was practicing yoga, and rising up from a forward fold to an extended mountain pose, I found myself expanding my hands like I was holding a ball, and holding it triumphantly over my head. I didn’t realize it until after the class when I returned to writing this piece, but I was visualizing that expanding pie. It’s something that I hadn’t done before in my practice, but a visualization I will continue as I continue to embrace the abundance mindset.
Self-Care
I also leaned into important self-care practices like ensuring I was hydrated. Sounds simple, but staying hydrated is really important to keep your energy levels high and positive. As well, I did a gratitude check-in. Abundance is about seeing how much we already have in our lives. This can be in the form of smiles from neighbors or people passing by or taking the time to appreciate a succulent piece of fruit. If you still aren’t feeling inspired, going for a walk in the woods always makes me feel better. Taking a stroll in a park or the woods has such profound grounding and cleansing powers; it’s hard not to feel grateful and joyful in nature. That’s abundance. It’s everywhere.
Surrounding myself with these abundant thoughts and practices, I was able to get back to my writing. That fear still looms, but my positivity radiates stronger. I guess that means you’ll be hearing more from me, and for that, I am so grateful.
Looking to go after a dream, but feeling a bit unsure? Lean into these tips, and see what happens. You just might surprise yourself! I know I did!
- Just try! Sounds too simple? Too good to be true? But seriously, just give it a go. You don’t have to make huge changes overnight. If you always wanted to try acting, why not join a community theatre, and take on a small part? Test out the waters.
- Reflect on your mindset: Do some soul searching, and ask yourself: am I operating on a scarcity or abundance mindset? It took me A LOT of reflection to realize how deeply the scarcity mindset has affected me, and I’ve still got loads of work ahead of me.
- Self-care: Drink water. Seriously, go drink water NOW. Staying hydrated is one of the easiest and most helpful self-care tools. Also, make sure you’re doing all of that other good stuff: yoga, meditation, exercise, relaxation. You know what to do to take care of yourself.
- Gratitude: There’s a reason why Oprah promoted gratitude journaling. It works. It gets you in an abundant, positive mindset which you need to be successful to go after your dreams.
- Expand your pie: There are not a limited amount of pieces. You do not need to compete to make sure you get yours. Visualize that pie growing beyond comprehension. There’s more than enough for everyone.
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