The Blame Game

Navigating Negativity & Discovering Intention

When you blame others, you give up your power to change.

-Robert Anthony

Living in an instantaneous world has its perks for sure. From ordering food to your door from delivery apps to whatever you need from Amazon prime, life has never been more convenient for those privileged enough to access these sorts of services. However, with all these instantaneous perks comes instantaneous expectations. There are people behind those apps who are expected to perform at a rapid pace in order to meet our needs.

Does Someone Always Have to Pay for the “Crime” ?

And when they don’t perform, someone is expected to pay. You don’t get that food delivered by the estimated arrival, it’s got to be someone’s fault. Traffic was heavy and prevented the deliverer from getting there in time-doesn’t matter. Someone has to be at fault. More and more it seems that this is the world in which we live. If something goes wrong, someone has to pay.

I recently read an article about a chef in the UK who prepared a shepherd’s pie for a church congregation which resulted in all those who ate it to suffer from food poisoning and one person, a 94 year old lady, to die. While this of course was a tragedy, what stood out to me in this story was the fact that this chef was sentenced to four months in prison. While I am by no means a legal expert, and someone who does believe in accountability, I still find this sentencing astonishing. I do not believe that this man intentionally poisoned these people. He also mentioned feeling rushed which may have been why he failed to take the temperature. Regardless, it seems that this is becoming the norm-when something goes wrong, we must find someone to blame.

I experienced this culture a lot during my time as a teacher. When I taught at a public school in Hong Kong, this need to blame someone almost seemed to be enshrined in the school’s discourse. We scrupulously reviewed every mark for every exam and terms, compared these marks by each class (which were ranked by performance to begin with) and each teacher had to defend why their marks were or were not in accordance with their normal status quo. There was no talk of any of the challenges the teachers endured, any of the factors that affected students’ marks such as their proficiency in English. It was already decided that if the marks were either A. too high, the teachers were inflating them, or B. too low, the teachers were not doing a good job.

When Tripping is Even Your Fault

I also observed this in the manner in which people spoke to one another at this school. I will never forget the day that one of my colleagues fell down the stairs and broke her ankle. She was wearing flip flops on a rainy day (it was just a staff development day), and slipped, leaving herself laying on the floor in excruciating pain. What baffled me was that as she sat, sobbing in pain, how many people shook their heads and told her she needs to be more careful and not to wear flip flops on rainy days. I couldn’t believe that someone would try and blame someone in such pain.

Of course she realised that she shouldn’t have worn those flip flops. I’m sure she will never wear them again on a rainy day. As she was enduring throbbing pain, was it really helpful to remind her of this? But, because of this need to find someone or something accountable for all situations was so enshrined within the school’s culture, they couldn’t resist.

Whereas in Hong Kong, students still were blamed for their behaviour and not up to par marks, this is certainly not the case in the school system back in my home country, Canada (and I’m told it’s quite similar in the US). And in many ways, this is a good thing. I know that many of my students in Hong Kong were facing hardships in their young lives that many adults couldn’t even imagine. I taught minority students who faced racism, and many endured poverty. When I asked some of these students why they were so tired as I’d find their heads bobbing forward, they’d tell me that they were working at 7/11 until 3am. How could I blame someone for falling asleep if they only got about 3 hours of sleep as they worked into the wee hours of the morning and had over two hours of travel in order to make it to school on time? But that was the mentality of many teachers at this school and our admin. That these students must act in accordance with their rules and that was simply it.

Thus, in this regard, I think it’s a thing that other schools such as in Canada are taking a more empathetic approach to its students. However, from my brief experience in our school system upon my return to Canada, it does worry me that the pendulum has shifted too far in the other direction, and all the blame now seems to be on the teachers’ shoulders. If a child doesn’t get a perfect mark on an assignment, parents call the teacher demanding why. They are often tone deaf to teachers trying to explain where their children could improve and instead want to blame the teacher for not doing enough for their child. It’s no wonder that teachers are exhausted and leaving the profession in droves.

But, it’s not just them. From people constantly suing doctors when a loved one passes, to the example of the chef and the shepherd pie, it does feel like we are living in a world where all we do is blame. It’s no wonder that so many of us are experiencing anxiety when making a mistake can result in drastic consequences.

I should note that I am by no means advocating for complete anarchy. I do believe in accountability, but I also fear that we are going completely too far as a society. I fear that if we continue to create a world where we are constantly searching for a scapegoat, someone or something to blame, we will lose the ability to see the whole picture, and see one another as human beings.

Finding Intention in the Situation

What is missing in this blame game is considering the intention of those responsible for said indiscretions. Take for example if a friend feels left out. A friend of mine recently went to a gala event. She and her husband received free tickets because friends of theirs’ company purchased a table. Several of their friends were also invited, but there was one couple within this circle who was left out. This friend lamented about whether or not she should tell the couple. She decided not to as she thought it would only hurt them and they wouldn’t find out. Unfortunately, they did find out by seeing a picture of the group posted on social media.

When I spoke to this friend, I reminded her that it was not her intention to hurt her friend and that she needed to explain that. Perhaps it was a mistake to not be initially honest and give her friends the heads up that they were not invited to this event. However, her intentions were far from malicious. And so when she spoke to her friend and explained all of this, they were able to resolve the situation peacefully. Her friends were still hurt, and asked that in the future that she let them know if they are excluded from the group, but they understood that her intentions were pure and in the right place.

And I think that is what we need to get back to- asking ourselves and each other, what was your intended purpose? Was it the chef’s intended purpose to kill a 94 year old lady, or was he trying to cook a pie for a large crowd as quickly and efficiently as possible and made a terrible mistake? When you get to the root of the intention as my friend did regarding the gala event, it becomes difficult to harbour negative emotions towards that person as you realise how well meaning their intentions were.

As mentioned, I am not a psychologist of any sort so please take note of that as I’ve outlined some reminders that have worked for me as I’ve worked my way back to intention in my personal pursuit to limit myself when it comes to blaming others.

In a world where you can be anything, be kind.

-Unknown

Getting back to the Root of Intention Tips

Meditation

If you read any of my other blogs, you’ll probably notice that this isn’t the first time meditation has been mentioned in the “tips” section of my blogs. That’s because meditation truly does help most situations, and most goals. Meditation helps block out the white noise and expectation and general societal chatter-all that negative blaming energy. You need to step away from this energy before you can actually acknowledge it. Meditation also helps you get in tune with yourself. Only when you are truly comfortable with yourself can you truly break down your intentions and the intentions of others. Otherwise, your ego is going to interfere with your reaction.

Conversation

How many times have you spun a narrative that just didn’t exist? I am talking about filling in the blanks regarding a disagreement you may have had with a friend, or partner. I’m talking about deciding what someone’s reasons were without even asking them. I am guilty as charged of this, but I have to give myself some major credit as I am getting much better at slowing down and asking myself, and then the friend in question their side of the story.

Look for Different Perspectives

And when it comes to conversation, try to look for different perspectives. I was actually just reminded of this just mere moments ago. Years ago, I had noticed via social media that a former classmate of mine had moved away and connected with her birth mother, and severed ties with her adoptive mother. I mentioned this story to my mother recently as we were talking about adoption, and I remarked that I couldn’t believe that she had severed ties with her adoptive mother. But, the truth is I couldn’t believe this because I couldn’t possibly understand it as I didn’t know the whole story. The whole storey which I just learned was that her adoptive mother had addictions problems. This was yet another reminder to slow down and learn the root of the issues at hand.

When in Doubt, Lean Into Kindness

While I do believe that people make mistakes and can deeply hurt people, I do believe in my heart in inherent goodness and that there is something special about everyone. So, when in doubt about someone, try to find something special about them. This is easier when it’s a close friend, but can also feel difficult if you’re enraged. But try your best to remember what it was about them that made you want to be their friend in the first place. Try to remember what kind of a person they are at their core. This helps you get closer to understanding their perspective and their intention.

Hope this helps you all navigate this world of ours that is far too caught up in the blame game.

Peace and love my friends!

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